I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
