It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
