god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
