so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Holy sore nipples Batman
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
