bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
