Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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