Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
