She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
