i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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