once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
