Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
