Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
