hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
