My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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