i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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