this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
