I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
