I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
