Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize