woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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