I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
