Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
