Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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