me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
no you cant smoke seaweed
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
