I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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