A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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