i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
