I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
