Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
