I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
