i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
