Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
