Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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