It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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