Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
