The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
