His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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