maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
