don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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