Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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