If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
