I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
