Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
