I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
