Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
