I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
