Only a mothe r could love this liver
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It's just like the Real World with babies
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
