I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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