Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
