i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Blood and glitter go together right?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
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Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
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My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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