She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
