It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
