My girlfriend figured out who you are.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
