you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
