I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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