I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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