I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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